Based on data retrieved from the Survey of Income and Program Participation, in 2019 the U.S. Census Bureau concluded that 20.2% of men are absent from all of their minor children’s lives. Trai Stephens, 25, was a minor who grew up without a father.
Raised by a single-mother who took care of everything, it never immediately occurred to Stephens that he was missing out on having a dad as a child.
“It was almost like a void feeling because my mom played both roles my entire life,” Stephens said. “It was really easy for me I would say because she made it easy for me to not have a father. She never talked about my dad like how most parents say, ‘oh your dad isn’t this, he isn’t that,’ she just never said anything.”
While he felt content at the time, his peers noticed his father’s absence and began to ask questions.
“I never had any questions but of course when you have friends they were always asking me ‘hey do you know what happened? Do you ever want to see him?”
Stephens had no answers. He wasn’t sure of his father’s name or what he looked like. Over time he began to notice the void of not having a dad, especially when different events that included father’s and their kids took place.
“Growing up when people would have different things like Father’s Day events or anything like that I only ever had my granddaddy. It was always my granddaddy,” Stephens said. “Everyone would say happy Father’s Day to their dads or if there was a Father’s Day event at the school my granddaddy could step through for me but at the same time it was like ‘I really don’t have a dad to bring here for this event.’”
Years went by without him learning anything about his father or his whereabouts. According to Stephens, it wasn’t until he turned 22 that he finally received some answers about his father’s absence.
“Apparently, years ago him and my mother separated so they lost contact,” Stephens said.
When he turned 18, his dad’s brother reached out to his mom on Facebook after she had sent a photo of Stephens, but they were never able to connect. Four years later, the uncle attempted to contact Stephens’ mother again.
“He reached back out to her saying ‘hey I would love for Sharell to meet Trai,’ which Sharell is my father’s name,” Stephens said. “My mom never saw the message, so when I was 22 the guy screenshotted the messages and sent them to me. He was like ‘hey your mom messaged me years ago and I’m just now seeing it.’ She wanted you to meet your father. I would love for you to meet him, we talked about you so much. We always knew you existed we just never knew where you were basically.”
So, at the age of 22, Stephens would finally have the opportunity to connect with and meet his dad in Jacksonville, FL.
“I used to live in New York, so we were messaging and then when I came down for the holidays I met him,” Stephens said.
That very first interaction brought about a wave of emotions for Stephens who found himself sitting right across from his dad.
“For me it was extremely bitter sweet because of course I always had questions like ‘I’m your whole child, 22-years I’m just now seeing you… we’re you not looking?’ Stephens said. “I feel like if I’m your child it should be a little bit easier so were you really not trying to look for me? Did you forget about me? It was bitter-sweet moment because I was just finally seeing him in the flesh, what he looked like, able to hear his voice, because I didn’t know anything about this man.”
Even though three years have passed since he first met his dad, Stephens says the relationship between him and his dad is still weird.
“Since I’m adult now it’s kind of weird getting into the groove of things with him because it’s like I’m meeting somebody new, almost like when you first meet a friend but it’s not a friend,” Stephens said. “It’s my father, so it’s still that awkward feeling when I get around him.”
The two communicate on occasion, but at age 25, Stephens has come to realize that he has to be the initiator in their relationship and he doesn’t necessarily believe that should be the case.
“In a way we’re still keeping in contact as far as holidays and birthdays but that’s it because I feel like I’m always doing the pulling of the relationship and I feel like if I’m your child, you’re way older than me, and you haven’t seen me in years, your foot should honestly be stepping forward way harder than mine,” Stephens said. “I feel like I’m trying to drag you to have a relationship with me and I feel like I should not have to so I’m basically at the point now where I’m like ‘ok well I’ll back down.’”
Still, Stephens tries to acknowledge his father on special occasions and tries to view the situation from his perspective.
“Of course since I know you I’ll tell you happy father’s day, I’ll tell you happy birthday, you’ll tell me happy birthday and we’ll keep it at that because maybe you’re just not quite comfortable yet because I have been raised by my mom my entire life and I’m old as heck now so I can understand how it could feel awkward for him as well,” Stephens said.
Ultimately, the relationship he envisioned having with his dad no longer seems possible and Stephens can’t help but wish that this wasn’t the case.
“Dad I wish you tried way harder to have a relationship with me,” Stephens said. “I’m sure he has a relationship with his friends, we’re not just walking around here quiet-mouthed. My dad cuts hair so I’m sure he has so many different friends and family that he’s talking to, but why not me?”
While he is currently not a father, Stephens vows to use his experience with his own father as motivation to have kids in the future.
“I have to have kids only to show my father if he’s still around then that I’m being a better dad than he was,” Stephens said. “I have to.”
